nikiloadian BLOG

filled. up to the neverend. lost. in between. thoughts. circling around the only wish possible. the only wish left. thoughts feeding themselves with the desires they trigger. the trigger is the thought and the thought is the trigger. moving around the ONE need and want. no space left for anything else. nothing. nothing left of me. nothing left without ONE.

a wish that grows along the borders which makes it unfulfillable. desires growing along the depth of the fall. needs growing along the pain they cause. torn apart between the nothing and the everything.

a mind knows… but the mind does not control. the mind knows how all needs to end, knows how all will end. the mind is not in control. never was. never will be. it is a dream that haunts me. a dream. nothing less.

So here we are. We bring our life along with us, the life we had so far. We shared this life with others and we made decisions which make some people we met more important for us than others. We also made decisions which had a certain impact onto others life. And other people made decisions which have an impact on our life.

There were moments then everything seemed almost fine and things developed into an overall scenario there it seemed that the time stood still. Decisions were made and nothing left to change. Moments passed. Good ones and bad ones. Shared experience connects.

And then something happens to the universe. There is an impact. A strong one. All knowledge changes at once. All that we thought we would know is from one moment to the other on edge. Sharply on edge. Nothing is as it was. Nothing is left from what we thought is sure. Even we are not anymore what we thought we are. Nothing left.

In between we are. Finding oneself torn apart between old and new, between one world and the other. Rules are not longer valid for us. But valid for everyone who did not feel the impact. Valid for everyone whoms universe is not on edge. A different kind of understanding grows, knowledge that can’t be shared, experience that can’t be told. Alone. Almost.

The impact. Two universes. An outburst of high energy. A singularity of cosmic meaning is created. A new universe grows out of this singularity, exloding into the vacuum the older universe had left, filling the vacuum, changing time and meaning, changing everything.

The astronaut is struggeling. He used to be at home in one universe. But then the singularity changed time and space, changed the astronaut himself, changed how the astronaut looks into the world, how he perceives reality. The astronaut is not alone. Others are affected by the impact. One. You.

The majority is not affected. Nobody can ever see. Can ever know. Can ever share. This experience must be made alone, only shared with one. The new experience is magic, is huge, is all, is what must be shared. But can’t. The new universe needs to be kept hidden. Carefully kept as a secret that shouldn’t be one.

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One does not need to believe into certain things. One does not need to believe in monsters and demons and still these monsters and demons will sneak in at night and pinch their needles into every humans mind and soul.

These monsters and demons get their energy out of emotions. They feed on them. And they feed them. These monsters and demons are always hungry and still have always enought to feed. And again, even if we do not believe in them, even if we think they are magic creatures, unreal, they will still be able to hunt us down.

Haunted places are everywhere. No need to be special. No way to be prepared. No safety, nowhere. No place to hide. Not from them. They will find us. They will find us as we are human. To avoid them we need to become a monster. Or a demon.

Possessed.

We are.

Strange as it is: The planet is bold enough to keep on revolving whatever happens on its surface. And if this fuckin planet would have any kind of courtesy or respect for the people who live on its surface it would sometimes just stop for a second. Or two. Some moments are way too dramatic to just do business as usual, Planet.

And Universe! Don’t think that I forgot you.

A space is often filled with something.

Sometimes the space itself as well as its only content are ideas. Different ideas though.

The space might be defined by a certain culture or habit or general circumstances. The idea might be very alien to the space or might be grown within the space.

To organize ideas within a given space a practical thing is a room with a door. All ideas which belong to a particular topic are shoved into this room and a sign is put on the door: Everything about me. For example.

Now. There are these special ideas. These ideas come from an area there no spaces nor doors are known, an area which is as old as mankind itself. An area which is not affected by spaces and doors.

These ideas have a special room. A special room with a special door which is always locked and not to be opened by all means.

The one who decides (if there is such a thing as “to decide” – which I personally strongly question) that the door is to be kept closed and locked is the individual: the keeper of spaces. The door is kept shut for the simple reason that an idea can spread like a virus. The idea will infest the space and will change its very structure: the space will be sick. Sick is how people which are used to share the same space will call the infection.

The sick idea could transport a belief, an emotion, a very thought or everything else which could be expressed in language. An idea which can’t be expressed is not infectious. An idea which cannot be expressed can’t spread. Much more dangerous are the ideas which might be formulated, the ideas which might spread and develop into a disaster. Disaster will strike if the organism itself (the culture, the environment, the society) deals with the idea like an immune system would deal with an infection: It is fought until its gone.

Like the immune system collateral damage within the space itself is likely. It is also likely that the immunes system starts to fight the body and that it develops anti-organism to keep the structure clean in the future.

All humans know this immune reaction since the very childhood. Not everything can be done or can be said or even thought.

The immune reaction of the organism will be even stronger, if the threat is higher and the idea is shared by individuals. A shared idea which might be seen as alien to the overall thinking space is the worst case scenario and needs to be combated with all possible means.

This is why some ideas are kept locked up. A time might come for these ideas as well. Nothing is forever. Things change. Slowly, but they change. Already this thought could be perceived as a threat.

A priest or a therapist are among the only persons an individual might be able to share an idea with because there won’t be a threat for the individual itself or the individuals the idea is shared with. This only works because a priest or therapist are not allowed to spread the idea by law. These professionals need to keep the idea and therefore there is no threat and no immune reaction. Nevertheless a graveyard of ideas. Dead but alive.