nikiloadian BLOG

It happens that we end up in arguments or we even find ourselves within a war nobody ever wanted to start.
It starts somewhere based on whatever kind of emotional decision or scenario. This first scenario triggers a certain reaction by someone who might have gotten bothered by the action taken.
And here starts the power play. Who can hits back and the issue grows. Not everyone in this game has the same power. So some might need to use different methods to deal with their aggression. And here it starts to
become complicated and soon everyone forgets where it all started.
Especially the ones with power must never forget where and how it started. The only way to deal with that kind of power play is to see the weaker ones as what they are and to give them the right to handle their aggression in an ignorable way. In order to avoid the complete destruction of the weaker ones.
The use of power in order to destroy is nothing any kind of future can be build upon.

Everyone moves along paths we did not choose. We start somewhere we never had the chance to think about and we end up on paths the map did not even show at the beginning. There is no map once we start to move. The map follows our steps. And sometimes it happens that we meet another path. There is no real choice of what to do in this case. Dependend on how deep or wide or stoney the other path is one might follow the new direction or not. We march until night falls. Nightfall tells us if we were on the right path. Lucky are the ones who do not feel alone once night falls. Lucky are the ones who do not need to be afraid of the darkness. Lucky are the ones who see the light in the others person hand.

sometimes a text needs to grow as a picture grows – it starts somewhere and ends elsewhere. Or not. Sometimes it just feels like as something needs to be said but the words are not found yet. It feels like a dream forgotten right after waking up.

There is something. So we let the words fly until they find their right positions. What can be said in a world where words do not make sense anymore. Even everything is already said but nobody is listening or words are not enough to describe what it going on. Or maybe the words are enough to describe what is going on but to use them does not make sense.

Words might be the connection between the things out there and the world in us. We think in words and we describe ourselves as well as everything around us in words. We try to express emotions in words. We put them in chains of grammar and structure. Even the untellable needs to follow the rules. Even the wildest dream needs to follow the strict rules of language. So language rules and restricts.

But words make thoughts real. Even more, words make everything real. Humans live within their own story. But the story needs to be told to become real. Only if we talk about things, if we say what is going on in our mind, it becomes real. Only if foreign people share their story with us they become real for us. Only if we are part of a story we become real. Everything exists, but nothing is real without being told.

Words can kill and words can love. Words build our world and they are used to descibe what we should see. Or what we see. The more words we know the better we are to bend all existence, to tell stories in different ways.

Why all this might be important? I don’t know… just words.

Time flows. The flow is not always the same. Some times are more special than others. Sometimes the time just stops. It seems to stop because the mind is not able to deal with all the input at once. The moments might be too special to deal with them in the second they happen. So the mind puts all the moments in one box and writes a date on it. 030415060415. For example. The mind makes us believe that times stops. But it is a lie. Time runs. Time flows away, ruins through one’s soul and leaves it empty. There is not a way to stop it. The thief of time knows no grace.

The worst thieves are desire and love. They take it all. And they never pay back.

But the thief of time can’t take the box of moments. The moments are kept in a safe place in the past. But time will take pieces of them as well. One by one until nothing is left. This is what makes the moments special as well, that there is nothing left in the end.

there are these times there we find ourselves alone with our thougths. It might take some time until the thoughts develop the idea that they are able to take over. Once they had this nice idea there is nothing left than just to surrender. And to wait. Until the storm ends.

Alone with the thoughts which come from a depth there it is dark and cold. Of course there is light as well. In between.

Nobody should be left alone with his thoughts. Loneliness is the trigger. It shows us what we are. No. It shows us what we are not. It shows that one is not able to control the situation in a way that does not end up in loneliness. And this is the start of all thoughts: Not being able to. If I could I would.

But I can’t.

The day before it happend. 4 years ago. A revolution, a resignation, an election… a new president.

Then. A conter-revolution (some might call it a military coup), a forced replacement of an elected president, a new non-elected president without parliment. (some might call it a dictatorship). And now…?

Now it seems that we are at the very start of everything. All that was won is lost again. Whoever is against the new president is close to prison. Whoever has a different opinion will need a good lawyer. There is no middle. One can be against or with, but not in between. Almost every discussion ends up in a fight.

But. This is not only possible in Egypt. I just need to look in me. While looking I start to think about what is going on in Germany, about what is going on in Dresden and Leipzig. And I can feel what the people here will feel if they think about their enemy.

If the gap between different ideas it too big there seems to be a human factor we should get rid of. Let the machines rule!

The Devil and me

Am i strong because I am not afraid of this creature called “devil” and his favorite place called “hell”? Am I a hero because I don’t care about this idea of ending up in this place?

No. Unfortunately I am not. Nor Hero, nor especially strong nor a believer. I don’t believe in the light and not in the darkness. I believe in humanity and the idea that we are what we became, as an individual and as a social group.

But people I care of are scared by the idea of hell. An idea only created to convince people to follow certain rules written by humans. Otherwise! … (yes… I am aware of the idea that these rules were sent by god. We will talk about this later.)

God is almighty. The Divine Entity (DE) has the power to create day and night. The DE created everything around us. The DE has the unique power to control everything around us. The DE is by definion almighty… but… there is this evil counterpart, another player in the game: the devil. The devil (Undevine Entity – UE) does not need to abide to the rules of god. The UE can somehow do what it wants, UE’s fingers are in the middle of everything that goes wrong on this planet. Would this ablilty make the UE not more important and stronger than the DE?

And then we die. Unfortunately. I would go straight to hell. As I do not abide to the rules nor do I believe. But maybe I am the lucky guy because this complete idea of hell seems to be completely based on humand ideas of law and punishment: If you do this wrong you will get punished! So – better follow Dad’s rules!

Why should the DE ever follow human ideas of law and order? This idea that whoever does something wrong (the evaluation of wrongdoing itself is a real problem because cultures are different) gets punished. (The by religion suggested punishments are also purely human). Why should the DE refer to human ways of communication like books? Ideas and thoughts can be shared without books.

If there is a DE it would surely implant the idea of good and bad within the human itself – as a basic equipment. This basic equipment is adjustable to time and environment. Everyone fulfills her/his being along her/his given needs and wants. This is the task. Can’t be a different one. We need to hurt, we need to love, we need to commit crimes, we need to disrespect rules which are not ours. Everyone out there needs to be what she/he is, what she/he is going to become. This can be the only possible assignment because it is in us.  Needs to be there. Implanted by the DE from the very beginning on.

If there is a DE then humans are what they are. Each individual with its special needs and wants. Nothing our there can be against nature as it would be against the DE itself. If there would be really something which is “against nature” – would this not make the DE less powerful as it is the One who controls everything?

Hypocrites

My personal favorite kind of human beings. These folks pretend to act according to whatever rules while doing exactly the opposite. These folks are the root of all fuckin evil on this planet because they do not allow themselves to respect themselves as what they are. So they need to compensate their real being with hatred against others of the same kind. I can’t even be sorry for you!

filled. up to the neverend. lost. in between. thoughts. circling around the only wish possible. the only wish left. thoughts feeding themselves with the desires they trigger. the trigger is the thought and the thought is the trigger. moving around the ONE need and want. no space left for anything else. nothing. nothing left of me. nothing left without ONE.

a wish that grows along the borders which makes it unfulfillable. desires growing along the depth of the fall. needs growing along the pain they cause. torn apart between the nothing and the everything.

a mind knows… but the mind does not control. the mind knows how all needs to end, knows how all will end. the mind is not in control. never was. never will be. it is a dream that haunts me. a dream. nothing less.